Breaking Mothafuckin News

*trying to compose myself, cause its not funny, but then again just imagining what Really happened in the Wal-Mart(is the devil) parking lot with the misses and the little lady that just about totaled her big boy Caddy, is getting the best of me. So I receive a call about lets say about three hours ago of who I thought was the misses, and was, but the pissed off version. Man, when I tell you this is not one chick you want to piss off, believe that shit. You know how those Louisianans are with that voodoo and shit, I don't fucks with em, lol. So, I pick up the phone and all I hear is her yelling "the bitch fucking hit it, the bitch fucking hit it", over and over again. I was like who the fuck are you talking about and who hit what. Still, "the bitch fucking hit it, the bitch fucking hit it". By this time I was ready to hang up thinking that she was having a bad trip off the weed or something until she came out with the slurred version of what really happened. "The bitch fucking hit my truck, I'm in so much pain right now", and immediately fear just shot through my spine. I was thinking, because of the way she was talking, that she was hurt or possibly severely injured, but umm no. Thing is, from what I was told she was shopping in Wal-Mart only to come out to half of her truck just smashed. I honestly don't know how this is possible, I mean its not like she drives one of those Barbie doll cars, so whoever it was must have had like one of those ol school military hummers that can drive through buildings and shit. I've got the feeling she's gonna do something crazy tonight in retaliation, and I of course will be the one bailing her punk ass out. Lets rewind back to the good ol days(about a week ago) when life was good and the misses watched "I Love The Fishes" for the first time, enjoy.

Marriage Sucks

Everyone knows (or at least I think so) how I feel about commitment, let alone marriage, and no its not a matter of immaturity, addiction, or any other classification of my choices that in all honesty can't be classified. I'm just ME, and can't possibly fathom being with one person until, well until. With nothing but respect for those who make that decision, its just not my thing. So, of course I'm gonna find humor in wedding mishaps. Its kinda my past time, jk, but I live for a good accident, mishap, or anything that involves mofos busting their asses, getting bitch slapped, antiqued, ruining coffee tables, and such. Long story short, the misses emailed a video of a wedding ceremony gone wrong, naturally I laughed cause, well I won't spoil it. In-te-hoo, after viewing the hilariousness, I decided to view some of the commentary as well, and I must say that "White America", and feel free to kiss my ass for the generalization, has no gatt damn sense of humor. True, its a very special moment of your life and should be perfect, blah, blah, blah, but come on, lighten up. I know personally, if something like this were to happen at a Hispanic, or even Black wedding not one soul in that mofo would have silenced the laughter, cause well, thats what we do, laugh at funny shit. Oh and don't take my word for it, here is some of the commentary.

mitchberry24 (1 day ago)

how did they deserve it! The guy was a priest! And the girl was the bride!
(Come on man, God has a sense of humor, hence the mishap)

zabciazln (4 days ago)

Man I would kill that dude if that would be me
(Wow, is it that serious? Now I would mos def cause bodily harm to a skank over some lemonade jelly beans, but not neva over, well just watch the video)

lanrem (5 days ago)

The groom is not worth his salt...He should have jumped in after her in a heartbeat!
So much for, "I love you with all my soul"

(*With a puzzled look on my face* Ummm, no comment)

Yep, truly corny mofos. Forgive me white people for I have *proceeds to count on one hand*(oh the irony) some white friends, I think. Maybe its just me, but "White America" tickles the shit out of me. Do these mofo's really think that having Stretch-Armstrong and a MILF(Yes, indeed I would) as the next president is a master plan. Uggg, the stupidity and wrong post, lets get back to it shall we. Point of this rant, what "others" may find funny, I'm sure Lucy or Becky won't. In their minds, once again bite me for the generalization, the thought of Kyle or Steve busting their asses is no funny matter. And to that I say with a look of seriousness, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

The video in question, now tell me this isn't some funny shit.


LMAO, I don't see why she was so upset. If it was me, I would have forced the misses to throw some instant jello into that bitch, and made it a night to remember. Speaking of which,


And I'm out this bitch!!!!!!

Flashing Lights...

So the misses has been cheating her ass off lately. I was SUPPOSE to do my comeback last night but instead was lured to that deadly sexy condo of hers with the promise of "la" and of course a bountiful pantry of moonpies and shyt. Thats exactly what happened "little poison for the system", some good shit. If ever given the chance everyone should get blazed with this chick, its hilarious. I remember us laying on the couch watching the Kanye West "Flashing Lights" video and looking in amazement like is this the REAL video. For some strange reason, the video seemed like it was 6 hours, the misses had a question for every damn thing that happened, and I've never ate so much garbage a day in my life. I woke up looking around like why are these fritos stuck to my tiddies...In-Te-Hoo, I think I'm still a bit blazed, I told y'all that was some good shit. Here it is close to 1 and I still feel the need analyze everydamnthing. She's cheating I tell you, so when I come to my senses, this broad is going down. Toodles.

Updated Version:
In my opinion there are two types of "freaks". Number one being a good fuck, no a decent fuck. Just the shit to get your rocks off, but no wedding is in tow, comprende', keep up. Next we have the fuck(freak) that is a bit elevated from the typical. This is the type of freak who is so sure of themselves and trust me it shows. This type of freak can take dick til the cows come home, and the pussy will still be in tact. If ever given the chance to experience this type of freak, one may become infatuated, and all that good shit, and settle if you will. Now me being the freak of freaks know that there is really no need to brag, for the proof is in the pudding. Now I must say that the misses did make a valid point about single sex, and tied sex. Its true that single sex is way more kinkier if you will than any sex that you may have with some random. Lets just call it emotional sex, at least we agree on something. Back to it, Bitchy and demands nothing but the best, yeah you can say that. I will school your punk ass if need be, "deeper and harder, come on its okay to fuck me", that type of shit. So lets get this list started now that I have stated the facts.

Why do we have to go to Jamaica everydamnyear? *question of the girlfriends* Not really wanting to tell them the truth about why women REALLY love Jamaica, and I personally cause of the Jamaican black snake. You can't really consider yourself in a three-some until you've had two of these hung-drung mofo's. Oh the memories, last year my little private show took place on the beach. Two chocolaty bros, endless drinks, and hours of fucking. I must say I was looking for their kids most of the time, cause I just couldn't get enough of the way that the juices tasted. Yeah good times, matter of fact I think its time for our annual vacation.

So I have this box full of sexual goodies. I.E. dildos, cock rings, anal beads, lube, clit massagers, knock off viagra(just to keep the party going), and much more. Safety word, prison, it takes alot for me to give in and say prison, but this last chick in which I envy had me saying it within the first 15. Not never did I think I would be in a situation of the sort with any chick, I used to always think to myself whats the point, I couldn't possibly get any kind of satisfaction from this. Lets just say that college life changed my whole perspective.

You know if you really looked hard enough, and actually knew what to look for, ya might be able to find videos of my skills. I know the misses is goin be pissed about that, I loves her and all but this is a competition. Call it a low-blow if ya want, but I shall not lose. Toodles

Or Could It Be Pt. 2

Well, well, well looky here. I'm doing the weekly jumpoff. Never thought I would see the day, but I have my reasons, The Misses has food poisoning(secretly LMAO). Yes, and has it bad, severe BG's, so I promised I would kick the week off with a bang.

So, as I stated in my last post, I work with some serious needing Jesus people. This past Friday, I decided that going to work this day wasn't going to happen, for I had shit to do, like get drunk with the homies too damn early in the morn. In-te-hoo, these are some mofos that are just too smart, but oh so dumb at the same time. Y'all know exactly what I'm talking about, confusing, well I don't know what to tell ya. So I called in, and when I say I call in, its usually something that I've just made up i.e. A Black Panther Meeting in Denver, I got evicted, or my all time fav, cause I'm a genius, I have Tendennocolomia. Yep, thats what was stated to the dumbasses on Friday. True, as usual they felt sorry for me and blah blah blah. See, being on salary w. commission has it benefits, I may have lost a couple hundred that day, but it was worth it. Didn't go to work, and not only did I play hookie, but talked the other members of the bytch brigade into doing so as well, long story short neither one of us survived to noon.

The daunting task of the topic of the week, well I'm not doing it thats for damn sure, and that broad needs to show her face/ass. So yes, it will be done by the recently AWOL misses. The topic, I'm not sure, prolly goin be about sexin or drankin, cause we all know thats pretty much her life story. Like I said, she is currently going through/getting over food poisoning and this is one chick that you pray to God never gets sick. She is so overly-dramatic/spoiled, who's to blame, that fat BF of hers, imma just let him deal with it, and chill in the cut. And as always, if you haven't slapped the shit out of someone lately, feel free to do so. It has its benefits.

Or Could It Be...

Disclaimer: Fuck You AIG*****End of disclaimer

Have you been drinking? *blank stare, and completely thinking to myself that this is the most illiterate heffa I've unfortunately spoken to* No umm, my speech is slurred, and my walk is a little wobbly because I recently suffered a STROKE!!! Of course I'm drunk bitch, and yes I'm managing folks money all at the same time. Fucking chatty, talky, Jovan musk wearing ditz. As as you should have figured out by now, yours truly is sashaying the topic of the week *flippin off the misses, knowing good damn well she could have did this shit, like I ain't got nothing else to do, I don't but that ain't the point* And by now you should have also guessed the topic.

Lame ass, unproductive, excuse me while I muster up the corniest shoe salesman joke ever, halitosis mouth full of funk having, suicidal(yes, here at the bank of hell we have them), I wish she/he would just shut the fuck up, CO-WORKERS. Or maybe its just me.

I work with some of the dizziest ass clowns ever. No, I'm not being sarcastic. Lets see, last week my associate(probably the least fucked up person besides myself), well my associates wife decides to confront him about an affair he's having with Skeletor(the blonde head/headgiver of the parking lot, this bitch has no upper lip nor anything to resemble immaculate head game, why these ducks flock to her like chicken grease to a heart is thought provoking to me). Long story short, she's facing domestic abuse charges. The hilarity. Another one in particular, my favorite, and the heffa who's my motivation behind all of this is bout the most annoying no social skills having tramp to ever walk the face of this earth. I swear I would take 15 bad ass kids any day over her. You know it wouldn't be so bad if they would just get the damn lock fixed on my office door like I demanded six fucking months ago. I could just lock myself in a room of peace and visit the far far far away land of no bullshit, but since I can't, I have to deal with professional idiots. Also, being that my office just so happens to be strategically centered right in front of Tooties, I am often blessed with the loud yelping of my name from across the hall, waking me from my eyes open nap for a gatt damn pen, invoice, file, lube. Shit it doesn't matter with Tootsie. I'm fine with that, the bitch needed a pen. What irks my nerve is the constant need to tell me life stories, like I have confessional/google written on my forehead...Theres not a day that passes that I don't wish to have some kind of super powers to rid my being from the disdain of the presence of this hoe. If only, if only. And I know I'm not the only one suffering from this type of entertainment, maybe one day those aliens they keep spotting in CO will just do us all a favor and take their people back with them. I'm tired of dealing with them, and just in case you haven't today, go out and SLAP THE FUCK OUT OF SOMEONE. Trust me, its sooo gratifying.

The Updated Version: Well because I have INSOMNIA like I don't have to go to work in exactly 2 mothafucking hours, why don't we jam out a bit. *singing* "Cook Me Up A Movie Star Breakfast, More My Dear, More My Dear. They've Got To Have Them In Texas, Cause Everyones A Millionaire." The Misses has me hooked on this damn song, and the tantalizing lyrics doesn't help at all as well, Ladies & Gents Supertramp "Breakfast In America".

Bitch Please...

So, I was suppose to be doing the topic of the week or some shit like that, I fucking forgot, bite me. In-Te-Hoo, it was this long drawn boring shit about my profession as a professional BITCH. Not your average every-day, boring, house-wife tramp. I'm talking bout the bitch that has weak coons and fortunately other faces of the world at her every beckoning command. Long story short, I didn't have the time. Ol massa ova there at the Bank :side eyein the fuck out of them hoes: have been holding this BITCH hostage. Mofos everywhere are selling/trading stocks like its no tomorrow, the assholes. If I had one wish it would be to slap the fuck out of ol Bushy, eat cunt you rancid rapist. Somebody please tell me why the fuck gas is higher than pussy. I mean pussy is an arm and a leg, but why do I not feel satisfied once I fill up the Beamer Truck, shit can it at least come with some head. Speaking of head, this may be the land of losers, but the mens, oh the mens can give some head that will have a hoe calling in, making dinner, praying for children of said head giver, buying drawls for the licker. Some good headery, so its about that time, I slowly feel myself sobering up, and here in THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT, thats a full no no. If ya haven't slapped the shit out of anyone lately, feel free to do so. Be sure to cuss them out afterwards, just to seal the deal.