They Say...

What do you want to be when you grow up Misses...*Answering the question at hand*...A mothafucking porn star, Jazmine Cashmere style...That bytch is my hero, OLE'...So since my competitor didn't post any rules or anything like that...I'm just gonna do this list style...And once I see what kind of competition that I have, take it from there...Yes, its true I've been "dick-whipped" for a while now so I haven't been as naughty as I was when single...Key word single, cause I did/do some unforgivable shyt when there are no ties...Anyhoo, shall we begin, I'm only gonna give a teaser...

*puts on Trina's baddest bitch single to set the mood*
(Le Tenderoni Days of Misses I.E., from age 16 to age 19)

You know I've done the usual, parks, cars, city zoo, public transportation, how many people can say The Governor Mansion...Why, I can...Bet you're wondering where the fuck was security...I kept them(yes them, my only threesome) busy...Everyone had a mouthful, so the screams and moans couldn't be heard...

I've always had this thing for men in uniform...Most women do, but mine was a little extreme...I would go on these little "runs" with this cop that I used to chill with...I want to say thanks to the one special officer in which I mastered wide-necking on...Who says I have no valuable skills, HA

Had a girlfriend once, no need to elaborate, and besides this is my secret weapon in case the BFF feels the need to get in a couple of low blows...HOLLA!!!

Battle Of Le Freaks...

To be honest I don't even know why I'm entertaining this but umm your eyes are not playing tricks on you. The misses and I decided that this week we are going to play a little game of who's the freakiest of the freaks. So instead of the usual, there will be nothing but random posts of naughty adventures from each of us. I don't even know why she believes in that ice pile of a heart that she has that she's mastered pleasure such as I, but hey we can all dream. I mean the fat boy has had that ass dick-whipped for a long ass time now, she's young as fuck, we all know that with age comes wisdom, and that is not just a figure of speech, and blah blah blah. Who's the master of their domain(of course its gonna be me, I fucks with the best of them), you be the judge. I'm outty.

Hotter Than A Wet Cooch...

Yo, whats up fam...Its truly, truly been a hot minute since, well since...I see that the BF has been boring the shyt out of ya with that lame sense of humor(laughing at my recent bout with that bytch of a virus)...OMG I have not nevah in my 20 plus years felt such pain...It was no fun at all...But now that I'm back, lets have a mothafucking party...

They say Misses what have you been doing...and to that I say a little of this...

Well lots of this...But hey when the DOCS force you to go to rehab for a week because of some stupid ass virus, you'll fall off the wagon pretty damn hard as well...And when I say fall, I mean run, jump, do some damn cartwheels off that bitch...To hell with being sober...Hell I can't even remember the last time I was sober, alls I know is that I didn't like it one damn bit...Straight B.S...Been getting a lot of time in at the ballpark as well...Bet y'all didn't know that I was into sports, trying to imagine my boojie ass out in the heat hitting some balls...Oh yes, I would walk to the ends of the earth for some balls...Balls, balls, and more balls, keep up...I've had some sex lately that I'm seriously ashamed of...Just nasty, crazy, insane fucking...Shit got so bad last night, afterwards I just yelled "I Fucking Hate You", got my keys, fuck clothes I didn't need em, and drove around town thinking of ways to hack this mofo without ending up in jail...Y'all laugh but I'm as serious as a heart-attack...I've been getting fucked so good, I straight up hate his ass right now...Did a little changing of the decor, nothing drastic...We now have a black accent wall in the master bedroom...It's starting to grow on me, though I was partial to the first...That's about all that has been going on with moi...It's been real lovely as usual fam...I've got a dinner date with Pee-On-My-Face Sierra, and the rest of the gang, so say a prayer for me...Nothing good ever comes out of these little dates, someone either wakes up in their office with honey and paper-clips stuck to their tiddies(bet ya can't guess who), or in my case cooks pancakes and shit in the nude...Will it ever end...

Love Bites...

So, I got the exclusive on what the misses has in store for us this week, and alls I can say is Love Bites, enjoy.

Or Could It Be Pt. 2

Well, well, well looky here. I'm doing the weekly jumpoff. Never thought I would see the day, but I have my reasons, The Misses has food poisoning(secretly LMAO). Yes, and has it bad, severe BG's, so I promised I would kick the week off with a bang.

So, as I stated in my last post, I work with some serious needing Jesus people. This past Friday, I decided that going to work this day wasn't going to happen, for I had shit to do, like get drunk with the homies too damn early in the morn. In-te-hoo, these are some mofos that are just too smart, but oh so dumb at the same time. Y'all know exactly what I'm talking about, confusing, well I don't know what to tell ya. So I called in, and when I say I call in, its usually something that I've just made up i.e. A Black Panther Meeting in Denver, I got evicted, or my all time fav, cause I'm a genius, I have Tendennocolomia. Yep, thats what was stated to the dumbasses on Friday. True, as usual they felt sorry for me and blah blah blah. See, being on salary w. commission has it benefits, I may have lost a couple hundred that day, but it was worth it. Didn't go to work, and not only did I play hookie, but talked the other members of the bytch brigade into doing so as well, long story short neither one of us survived to noon.

The daunting task of the topic of the week, well I'm not doing it thats for damn sure, and that broad needs to show her face/ass. So yes, it will be done by the recently AWOL misses. The topic, I'm not sure, prolly goin be about sexin or drankin, cause we all know thats pretty much her life story. Like I said, she is currently going through/getting over food poisoning and this is one chick that you pray to God never gets sick. She is so overly-dramatic/spoiled, who's to blame, that fat BF of hers, imma just let him deal with it, and chill in the cut. And as always, if you haven't slapped the shit out of someone lately, feel free to do so. It has its benefits.

Or Could It Be...

Disclaimer: Fuck You AIG*****End of disclaimer

Have you been drinking? *blank stare, and completely thinking to myself that this is the most illiterate heffa I've unfortunately spoken to* No umm, my speech is slurred, and my walk is a little wobbly because I recently suffered a STROKE!!! Of course I'm drunk bitch, and yes I'm managing folks money all at the same time. Fucking chatty, talky, Jovan musk wearing ditz. As as you should have figured out by now, yours truly is sashaying the topic of the week *flippin off the misses, knowing good damn well she could have did this shit, like I ain't got nothing else to do, I don't but that ain't the point* And by now you should have also guessed the topic.

Lame ass, unproductive, excuse me while I muster up the corniest shoe salesman joke ever, halitosis mouth full of funk having, suicidal(yes, here at the bank of hell we have them), I wish she/he would just shut the fuck up, CO-WORKERS. Or maybe its just me.

I work with some of the dizziest ass clowns ever. No, I'm not being sarcastic. Lets see, last week my associate(probably the least fucked up person besides myself), well my associates wife decides to confront him about an affair he's having with Skeletor(the blonde head/headgiver of the parking lot, this bitch has no upper lip nor anything to resemble immaculate head game, why these ducks flock to her like chicken grease to a heart is thought provoking to me). Long story short, she's facing domestic abuse charges. The hilarity. Another one in particular, my favorite, and the heffa who's my motivation behind all of this is bout the most annoying no social skills having tramp to ever walk the face of this earth. I swear I would take 15 bad ass kids any day over her. You know it wouldn't be so bad if they would just get the damn lock fixed on my office door like I demanded six fucking months ago. I could just lock myself in a room of peace and visit the far far far away land of no bullshit, but since I can't, I have to deal with professional idiots. Also, being that my office just so happens to be strategically centered right in front of Tooties, I am often blessed with the loud yelping of my name from across the hall, waking me from my eyes open nap for a gatt damn pen, invoice, file, lube. Shit it doesn't matter with Tootsie. I'm fine with that, the bitch needed a pen. What irks my nerve is the constant need to tell me life stories, like I have confessional/google written on my forehead...Theres not a day that passes that I don't wish to have some kind of super powers to rid my being from the disdain of the presence of this hoe. If only, if only. And I know I'm not the only one suffering from this type of entertainment, maybe one day those aliens they keep spotting in CO will just do us all a favor and take their people back with them. I'm tired of dealing with them, and just in case you haven't today, go out and SLAP THE FUCK OUT OF SOMEONE. Trust me, its sooo gratifying.

The Updated Version: Well because I have INSOMNIA like I don't have to go to work in exactly 2 mothafucking hours, why don't we jam out a bit. *singing* "Cook Me Up A Movie Star Breakfast, More My Dear, More My Dear. They've Got To Have Them In Texas, Cause Everyones A Millionaire." The Misses has me hooked on this damn song, and the tantalizing lyrics doesn't help at all as well, Ladies & Gents Supertramp "Breakfast In America".

Bitch Please...

So, I was suppose to be doing the topic of the week or some shit like that, I fucking forgot, bite me. In-Te-Hoo, it was this long drawn boring shit about my profession as a professional BITCH. Not your average every-day, boring, house-wife tramp. I'm talking bout the bitch that has weak coons and fortunately other faces of the world at her every beckoning command. Long story short, I didn't have the time. Ol massa ova there at the Bank :side eyein the fuck out of them hoes: have been holding this BITCH hostage. Mofos everywhere are selling/trading stocks like its no tomorrow, the assholes. If I had one wish it would be to slap the fuck out of ol Bushy, eat cunt you rancid rapist. Somebody please tell me why the fuck gas is higher than pussy. I mean pussy is an arm and a leg, but why do I not feel satisfied once I fill up the Beamer Truck, shit can it at least come with some head. Speaking of head, this may be the land of losers, but the mens, oh the mens can give some head that will have a hoe calling in, making dinner, praying for children of said head giver, buying drawls for the licker. Some good headery, so its about that time, I slowly feel myself sobering up, and here in THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT, thats a full no no. If ya haven't slapped the shit out of anyone lately, feel free to do so. Be sure to cuss them out afterwards, just to seal the deal.

Hold The Phone

Gat Dammit...See, I told that broad she had to do the post on Wednesday...And lo and behold it isn't done...Sorry fam, I'm gonna go strangle my BFF, and force her to do the post...She probably won't do it today, cause work is kicking that ass right now, but it will get done, trust...

Pure Hilarity

So the misses has these fucking awesome employees. So awesome that I was in fact able to talk 90% of them into making a secret myspace page for her. Seriously, its 2008, who doesn't have a myspace page. Her country black ass. In-Te-Hoo, so they set up this page with some of the most shameful pics, her status is a swinger, slob on the knob is her theme song, not sure is her orientation. I'm telling y'all this is some of the funniest shit that I've ever seen. Apparently they love the boss very much. Well without any further adieu, the link (since the hyperlink isn't working www.myspace.com/ttrashawn). And whats makes this even funnier is that theres pretty much of nothing that she can do about it, seeing how they set it up with some random e-mail, everyone knows the login info except her, so she just has to chuck it up. LMAO

I'll Keep Holding On...

Yo, whats up fam...Oh me oh my, alls I can say is that I'm making it...School is getting the best of me, but its sooooo worth of it...Not a real lot to say in this post fam but be looking for some changes seeing how me and the bff have teamed up...Goody goody, but yes, there will be a few changes, nothing drastic though...Anyhoo, turn up your speakers and rock out with one of my favorite inspirational songs, Simply Red "Holding Back The Years"...This song has gotten me through so much and is in heavy rotation nowadays...Anyways fam, topic of the week, lets see...Its a surprise(mainly cause I have no idea, but it will be nothing but the best), something different...Oh and show my bff some love, she's new to this whole blogging thang, but I promise you will love her just as much as I...Alright Fam, thanks for blessing me with your presence, I promise to do the same...HOLLA!!!

Like A Moth To A Flame

I should be asleep right now. I seriously think that my ass is still drunk. Hanging out with a human party in a box until she feels the need to began her nightly sexual rituals will do that to you. In-Te-hoo, its Friday, all I can say is fuck the bank. My place of work, by the way. What does my job entail? Okay, ya asked for it. I'm a broker with American Express Financial Advisors here in Totoville(not really the name of the city, I'm just partial to totoville), managing portfolios and doing estate plans for high-net-worth clients. Pretty boring shit huh? Well I must say that the job has its benefits, I've met many fuck and goodlucks out that bitch. Just don't tell anyone. Oh and one more thing before I head back to bed, please for the sake of your sanity, don't expect long drawn out post from my ass. My name is not Misstory, T-Dawg, T Shawn, T Bone, #1Dick Ridah, or whatever the fuck she's going by nowadays. I keep shit short and simple, unless I'm ranting, and in this case I'm not. Point of this post, I'm still fucking drunk.

No Need For An Introduction

For if you read this blog than you will know exactly who I am. Ok, Ok, cause I know the Misses will be on my ass, I will just give an informal intro. The name is, well you don't need to know all of that, and I ain't trying to become a victim of ID theft. In-te-ways, the Misses, founder and creator of this ignant ass blog, my BFF on certain days, and future baby momma a la fat boy, decided that one ignant point of view wasn't enough. So here I am. I just want to go ahead and apologize, for a future with me is guaranteed shipment to hell. Don't worry, I won't taint you just yet, maybe tomorrow we will kick things off right. I've got a meeting with Mr. Belvedere and Mrs. Cranberry, and they say if I'm late, I will have to Screw their son Driver. Let that marinate.

Aaaahhhhh!!!!!

School is kicking my ass...That is all...